A Summary of Religions in 140 characters or less

Given that people don't read any more...I figured "I should summarize religions and beliefs in 140 characters or less".  I mean, if you can't Tweet it, it must not matter, right?

Feel free to be offended, offer additions, or other snarky comments.

RELIGIONS SUMAMRIZED

JUDAISM: Monotheism, version 1.0
CHRISTIANITY: Monotheism, version 2.0
ISLAM: Monotheism, version 3.0
BAHAI: Open-source monotheism.
HINDUISM Jai guru deva. Don’t have a cow, man!
BUDDHISM: Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Monotheism, v 1.1, Iranian style. Mazda is always good. Think about that…
ANIMISM: All things have spirits—all things to everyone, run, run away.
SHINTO: Invisible part of Japanese culture…kami…kami chameleons.
GNOSTICISM: No wealth, no sex? No thank you. That’s why there are no Gnostics now.
RASTA: Monotheist--Haile Selassie was Jesus. Really. That’s the sort of thing that happens when you smoke a ton of pot.
JAINISM: Non-violence solves everything says the religion of swastikas. Clearly they don't read newspapers.
YAZDANISM: One God, seven angels, monotheism for Kurds who don't like Iranians.
ATHEISM Non-believers. Not even in baseball, Mom, or apple pie.
TAOISM: Official religion of China. They believe in the Tao; Americans believe in the Dow.
WICCAN: An ancient religion of witches founded by Gerald Gartner in 1954.
SATANIST: The glass is always empty. And cursed. And we love it.
CONFUCIANISM: Humanism, ethics, piety....which is why China got whacked by Western imperialists.
NEXT THURSDAYISM: It's all a lie. The world started last Thursday.
THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER: God is purple and tasty with marinara.

SECTS OF CHRISTIANITY

PEOPLE’S TEMPLE: Don't drink the Kool-Aid.  This isn't really Christianity.

UNIFICATION CHURCH: Reverend Moon is Jesus. All those other Jesuses aren't the real ones.
CATHOLICISM: We're monotheists, except God is a Trinity.
LUTHERANISM: We're Catholic, but hate taxes.
ANGLICAN: We're Catholic, but don't mind divorce. PS. ENGLAND RULES!!!
EPISCOPALIAN: We're Anglican, but American.
PRESBYTERIAN: We're a confessional church. Otherwise, we all agree that we disagree.
METHODISM: Spread the Good News—aim at the lowest common denominators.
SOUTHERN METHODISM: Southern whites—gee, think they supported slavery?
AMISH: We party like it's 1699. You better like horses.
HUTTERITES: We're old school; we party like it's 1549.
MENNONITES: Simons said...don't swear, don't fight and pay attention to the Sermon on the Mount.
CALVINISM: We're Lutheran except the bread is actual Jesus. That makes us cannibals.
BAPTIST: You can't get baptized until you believe, but really—we'll dunk anybody.
SOUTHERN BAPTIST: Originally Baptist, we know slavery was a good thing.
ANABAPTIST: Christians are sheep among wolves. Do not fight.
GREEK ORTHODOX: Everyone in heaven is a saint. Andrea Merkel will not go to heaven.
RUSSIAN ORTHODOX: Everyone in heaven is a saint. Putin says so.
COPTIC: Human and the divine are united since 451 AD. Trinity our butts.
UNITARIANISM: God is not a trinity. If He was, that wouldn't be monotheism.
UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST: Like our Puritan forefathers, we know centralized authority sucks.
AFRICAN METHODIST EPISCOPAL: We follow the Apostle's Creed, not Apollo's Creed.
PENTACOSTAL: Speaking in tongues, snakes, healing hands...everything crazy except Joe Biden.
7^th DAY ADVENTIST: Pay attention to the Ten Commandments and the Sabbath is Saturday, bitches.
MORMON: You can believe in a burning bush. We've got a golden plate.
CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST: The material world is an illusion. Your cancer is not real. Mark Twain was—he is the anti-Christ.
QUAKERS: Peace, equality, simplicity, truth. PEST—coincidence? I think not.
SHAKERS: Quakers who are celibate...which is why you've never met a Shaker.
SCIENTOLOGY: Prosperity gospel meet multi-level marketing and psycho Hollywood stars.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: All along the Watchtower...whatever; it's never Dylan or Hendrix knocking on my door.

Personal holidays and the confluence of events....

It's interesting for me how events, whether at a personal level or history level, seem to be channeled towards certain dates.

For me, it's March 16, more so once tomorrow arrives and adds to the synchronicity.

Eighteen years ago on March 16, my grandfather died, sitting at home, he collapsed and was never resuscitated.  I remember being told--Erick was two and Julie was only a couple weeks from giving birth to Brigitte.  He was 77, I believe, when that happened.  I think that was the first funeral where I served as a pall bearer.

Four years ago, on March 16, my mom died.  She'd actually collapsed on the 13th, too little oxygen in her lungs from years of smoking, slipping away into sleep and then death.  They kept her on life support though until I was able to get to Oklahoma.  That was the 15th.  It was my idea, and Debbie and both Pete agreed, that they wouldn't pronounce her dead until the 16th, so that she would die on the same day as her dad.  --Sometimes symmetry is intentional, not coincidental.

Tomorrow is the 16th and it comes following several days of warm weather (at last!), the snow here all melting.  That's important, because the car I purchased and restored, a promise I made to Mom--that I wouldn't just invest or save my portion of her estate--is done and can be driven now.   Yup--the best day for it to go out on its maiden voyage--March 16.  That was coincidence, not intent.  But I suppose it's a good thing, as the paint used on the car was mixed with ashes from Mom and Pete, so that in a sense, maybe it's a spiritual rebirth for her...she loved Mustangs...

* *
In the big picture--the series of days from March 12-16 have a ton of crappy goings-on in my life, whether it is the death of family members or being rejected for a job because I don't have the preferred set of genitals...it's a long list, but then we come back to balance and symmetry.  If you have so much to list on the bad side of things--don't you have to balance that with the good?

Ultimately, there's only been one good thing to come in those days--but it more than balances the bad and the sad.  Twenty-five years ago, I had my first date with the future Mrs. Dietz.  March 14, 1990.  Nothing out of the ordinary--simply a movie, dinner, and talking and TV afterwards, and yet, as I walked back to my room in Sherman Hall (graduate student housing), I was on Cloud Nine.  I had not expected to be starstruck that night, that out of nowhere, I would find someone who would start me towards being a decent human being and stick with me through all of those bad things--and over the course of decades, give me too many good memories to count.

Funny how things balance out, huh?

Now and Zen...

A couple weeks ago as Lent approached, I had a great conversation with John Marsaglia, softball coach at LLCC.  John is the staff/faculty sponsor of the FCA on campus, and when combined with his background as an educator--we spend quite a bit of time discussing stuff not-directly related to sports.  It may be history, maybe it's adolescent psychology, or it could be our favorite restaurants in Springfield.

We'd had a recent talk on religion and in doing research for a novel (a sequel to a novel I've written but don't yet have a publisher for...is that overconfidence on my part, or what?), I came across a fascinating quote from Werner von Braun, a Nazi scientist, responsible for the V-1 and V-2 rocket programs, and later, after being brought to the United States as part of Operation Paperclip, the Apollo program.

His quote: "Nature does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has taught me, and continues to teach me, strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death."

Given that it's Lent, in Christian terms the point where Jesus is executed and then returns to life, that proved to me to be a very interesting quote.  The two issues are the same--transformation.

So me and John talked for a bit regarding allegory, metaphor, and historic truths, and the subject of death came up again--in terms of deceased family members and friends.  John had just had a close friend have a scare while someone I attended high school with died from a rare form of brain cancer.  We'd just passed the 2nd anniversary of my step-father's death, which for me means that two weeks from today, it'll be the fourth anniversary of my mom's death.

When she died, my sister showed me an email she received from a friend of hers--a practicing Buddhist.  With everything going on at the time, the pain and loss, reading that email proved a great comfort (and it's related here, too...). 

The gist:  Day follows night follows day.  Being awake follows being asleep follows being asleep.  There is a cycle to everything, thus, why do we worry about death?  What once was comes again.  Thus, death follows life naturally, and after death, therefore, there must be life.

Isn't that interesting?  A Buddhist story that parallels the story of Easter and a core tenet of Christianity?  Isn't it equally great that both find a mirror in Braun's quote and his observation on nature?  I think that says a great deal about the reality of an Almighty and the separation from Him/It caused by the creation of religions.  John thought the parallel was fascinating, maybe empowering, for his own faith, but really--how many people do you know who would get upset or poo-poo the story that doesn't already match with their notions?

All of that?  Not my point.  It's all how I got to here.  I realized there are some other parallels regarding behavior--things like compassion and forgiveness.  I lack forgiveness sometimes; I hold grudges.  I know this and I don't hide it from any body.  But I've been talking with John and some of the lessons he's taken from the Bible, and I've been reading observations from the Dalai Lama via his website and his Twitter account.  I realized something--I need to work on that grudge thing I've got going.

After all, how can I be compassionate, how can I be a role-model for my athletes, young people, my own children, if I continue with those grudges--isn't it better to show forgiveness, maybe even pity?  So I've been trying to let those go--and it's not easy.  It's necessary, but I feel like I'm trying to buck something hard-wired into me.  I know that's not true.  I got this way, so I can reverse-engineer my way out of it, but I'm not there yet, probably won't make it by the solstice or Easter or Passover, but I'll keep trying.

There's a good deal of wisdom in places like the Bible or Koran, in words of wisdom from men like the Dalai Lama (or John Marsaglia).  I suppose I need to be more mindful of people.  Like I said, I'm not there, but I'm trying....I'm tryin....