A Summary of Religions in 140 characters or less

Given that people don't read any more...I figured "I should summarize religions and beliefs in 140 characters or less".  I mean, if you can't Tweet it, it must not matter, right?

Feel free to be offended, offer additions, or other snarky comments.

RELIGIONS SUMAMRIZED

JUDAISM: Monotheism, version 1.0
CHRISTIANITY: Monotheism, version 2.0
ISLAM: Monotheism, version 3.0
BAHAI: Open-source monotheism.
HINDUISM Jai guru deva. Don’t have a cow, man!
BUDDHISM: Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Monotheism, v 1.1, Iranian style. Mazda is always good. Think about that…
ANIMISM: All things have spirits—all things to everyone, run, run away.
SHINTO: Invisible part of Japanese culture…kami…kami chameleons.
GNOSTICISM: No wealth, no sex? No thank you. That’s why there are no Gnostics now.
RASTA: Monotheist--Haile Selassie was Jesus. Really. That’s the sort of thing that happens when you smoke a ton of pot.
JAINISM: Non-violence solves everything says the religion of swastikas. Clearly they don't read newspapers.
YAZDANISM: One God, seven angels, monotheism for Kurds who don't like Iranians.
ATHEISM Non-believers. Not even in baseball, Mom, or apple pie.
TAOISM: Official religion of China. They believe in the Tao; Americans believe in the Dow.
WICCAN: An ancient religion of witches founded by Gerald Gartner in 1954.
SATANIST: The glass is always empty. And cursed. And we love it.
CONFUCIANISM: Humanism, ethics, piety....which is why China got whacked by Western imperialists.
NEXT THURSDAYISM: It's all a lie. The world started last Thursday.
THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER: God is purple and tasty with marinara.

SECTS OF CHRISTIANITY

PEOPLE’S TEMPLE: Don't drink the Kool-Aid.  This isn't really Christianity.

UNIFICATION CHURCH: Reverend Moon is Jesus. All those other Jesuses aren't the real ones.
CATHOLICISM: We're monotheists, except God is a Trinity.
LUTHERANISM: We're Catholic, but hate taxes.
ANGLICAN: We're Catholic, but don't mind divorce. PS. ENGLAND RULES!!!
EPISCOPALIAN: We're Anglican, but American.
PRESBYTERIAN: We're a confessional church. Otherwise, we all agree that we disagree.
METHODISM: Spread the Good News—aim at the lowest common denominators.
SOUTHERN METHODISM: Southern whites—gee, think they supported slavery?
AMISH: We party like it's 1699. You better like horses.
HUTTERITES: We're old school; we party like it's 1549.
MENNONITES: Simons said...don't swear, don't fight and pay attention to the Sermon on the Mount.
CALVINISM: We're Lutheran except the bread is actual Jesus. That makes us cannibals.
BAPTIST: You can't get baptized until you believe, but really—we'll dunk anybody.
SOUTHERN BAPTIST: Originally Baptist, we know slavery was a good thing.
ANABAPTIST: Christians are sheep among wolves. Do not fight.
GREEK ORTHODOX: Everyone in heaven is a saint. Andrea Merkel will not go to heaven.
RUSSIAN ORTHODOX: Everyone in heaven is a saint. Putin says so.
COPTIC: Human and the divine are united since 451 AD. Trinity our butts.
UNITARIANISM: God is not a trinity. If He was, that wouldn't be monotheism.
UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST: Like our Puritan forefathers, we know centralized authority sucks.
AFRICAN METHODIST EPISCOPAL: We follow the Apostle's Creed, not Apollo's Creed.
PENTACOSTAL: Speaking in tongues, snakes, healing hands...everything crazy except Joe Biden.
7^th DAY ADVENTIST: Pay attention to the Ten Commandments and the Sabbath is Saturday, bitches.
MORMON: You can believe in a burning bush. We've got a golden plate.
CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST: The material world is an illusion. Your cancer is not real. Mark Twain was—he is the anti-Christ.
QUAKERS: Peace, equality, simplicity, truth. PEST—coincidence? I think not.
SHAKERS: Quakers who are celibate...which is why you've never met a Shaker.
SCIENTOLOGY: Prosperity gospel meet multi-level marketing and psycho Hollywood stars.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: All along the Watchtower...whatever; it's never Dylan or Hendrix knocking on my door.